you say to do me but i just don't know how.

I'm confused. I'm scared. I'm everything you can be without breaking into pieces. so what does that mean i should do? the obvious. ignore it.

I broke up with homeboy the other day. It sucked but I'm glad i did it. He needed a wake up call.

I feel like i cant breathe. i always have problems. i always complain. I'm tired of it. B was right when he said he can't feel sympathy for me anymore. why do i do this to myself. I wonder if Catie would wanna move in....i need to find an apt asap. and btown would be perfect. close to work and closer to school. i just want to run away. i want to live a life without fear of a time limit or what lie I'm going to tell so i don't get into trouble. last night was one of the most awesome nights ever. Alina is my best friend and without her idk what i would do. so i think I'm going to promise myself something. i think I'm going to promise myself that i will do something about this life that i don't like living. i will be happy. when my friend David asks me how it is i will say its all good :) i want to be able to say that. i feel like I've earned the right to say that.

So i had an hour conversation with Teddybear today. i was crying about something that i feel weird crying about. i feel like i have been cheated. I wish i had my mother. i don't know what i did to deserve not having one.... I love when my friends offer theirs up but its not the same. its not like i can go cry to her and she would understand because she wont. she doesn't live in my house she doesn't see me everyday. i want my mom who knows the kind of life i live and what i go through everyday. i want my mo who will tell me what to do about the boy i like and how to get where i want to be with him. i guess this is a stupid thing to be upset about but i mean why cant i be? i was 2 when she died and its not fair to me. I told Teddybear that i wish i was like how i was in the eighth grade. When nothing affected me. I didn't care what happened. i wouldn't let anyone close to me and i didn't have feelings. everything was good then. but at the same time i would hate to be like that because i love how people love how much i care. i love seeing people light up when they see my smile and how caring i am. i love being able to open up to people.

*sigh* this is all very complicated. i guess I'm rambling actually. sorry. i guess that's all for now. i just needed to get all of that out. and thanks for whoever cares enough to read it. :)