Distraught; its a good vocab word

i found the perfect jeep. i mean everything was perfect. but its not good enough for my family. so i go look today and cant afford the one i want. i seriously am out of ideas. i am tired of trying to make every one happy. im sooo tired. everything hurts. why cant I just be happy. isnt that important to anyone? no?...yeah i shouldve known that. *sigh*on a lighter note im glad B is coming home. im so fucking excited to see him. i need a break from all this serious shit. and i know if anyone can make me laugh like im crazy and help me relax he can. Im so glad we're talking. everything was just so downhill after that. i feel like im falling sometime. noones gonna catch me either

:(

mehhh i so tired. i have to work a shit ton this week too. but its a pretty easy peasy job which is nice :) well i guess thats all for now.

Things aren't always what they seem, Sometimes they're worse.

You're gone. I forced you to speak to me but it doesnt make losing you any easier. I miss you every day. I think about you and me and i am sorry. I told you awhile ago that i was a bad person and you didn't believe me. but i told you. i guess its too late for me to do anything now. shit sucks but oh well. i hope you're well. i keep notes in my phone and it seems like i can write more then ever lately. i notice the negative in the world and i want to change it so bad. i start school january 10th. i can't believe that i can actually have a future...but i never know what can happen. im overwhelmed. i just got my schedule for work this moth. i work 6 days a week open to close. fuckkk. idk what else to write. i love you. teddybear.......

College? no ima gonna be a strippa!

wellll shitttt. taking a semester off is becoming a possibility. i didnt want it to be but fuck it might have to be. its not terrible. but its not good. i need to move out fursure. or else saving money wont happen. i miss him....terribly. i hope hes ok. sorry teddybear...i love you and im always thinking about you.

im sick of the life im living. im sick of me. im sick of who ive become. i dont know me anymore. im angry all the time and im constantly thinking of bill payments. what the fuck i wanna be happy goddamnit. kjsadhfklash glkshgkjfgh;asgh

exactly.

fuck

my

life

Your words, they're poison in my veins

My eyes are dry. I can't cry anymore. I'm pretty sure I've lost my Best Friend over something that's been making me happy. But i guess it doesn't matter if I'M happy. noooo as long as your happy right. as long as I'm there for you for the rest of my life. I don't think ill be going to see you anytime soon considering you probably wanna rip my eyes out. I don't wanna lose you...oh not at all. But the way you words things make me feel minuscule and like i deserve to be on a corner working for a man named Big Jay. Please don't ever talk to me like that. I may put up with it for now but if you think ill keep lettin you go with this shit you're oh so wrong sir. You're my teddy bear and i love you. Always have always will. But i will seriously give you a piece of my mind if you fucking talk to me like that ever again. I try to be open with you, to show you i respect you and you ask me if we're fucking? are you FUCKING KIDDING ME? if you were within arms reach i might have slapped you. Then again i was almost in tears when you texted it to me. i just don't know anymore. i'm not sure whats up or down.

Still Breathing

Its been awhile. A loonggg while. Im going to Alabama. Im getting loans im working while in college but im going. I WILL make this work. I miss everyone. I iss my teddybear (you know!) and im leaving home in less then a month and a half. New york for a wedding home then alabama. where has the time gone. im so confused as to whats happening around me. I just quit my slave labor job where i was pullin 90 hours a week for 8 dollars an hour off the books. while it was great money it was shitty work. ive lost too much wieght from being sick and not having time to get better, but i have time now. i need to eat more. i need to be healthy. im starting over with only a few familiar faces and leaving the rest behind. Maybe a month after i get situated at bama ill head further down south to NOLA. I need to see someone about some business :) i think im done for now. ill try to update this as much as possible but no promises. I have no internet at home so im chillin at java joes workin on this. But peace for now. always look towards the heavens :)

what if...

what if i did go?

what if i didnt let being scared stop me?

How do you stop being scared?

Its only 488 miles....not much...

Alabama?

Ill Follow you into the dark

Things are going well. Except for the minor fact that somethings getting around and it doesnt need to.
Oh well. I got my working car and now i need to go grab that DL and im off. You're in town and it makes me happy. I need a life. I neeed some freedom. But its coming soon. i can feel it. I am so happpy i have a working carrr! but im working allll the time now so it really sucks. i most def need the money though cuz things with A and i are gettin serious about moving in together which makes me really happy. I dont know what to write anymore so im jsut gonna leave it at that.

These Dreams, They all feel so real.

it was weird. i dreamt i snorted four lines of cocaine. then i was walking and my nose was bleeding but somehow i didn't realize it.
The weird part was there was someone with me. I just really don't know who it was.
then i collapsed. That's when i woke up.
the weird part was when i woke up i actually felt like i had snorted something up my nose. I don't know what this means. All i know is that dreams like this are becoming more and more frequent.

and i don't like it.