Simple Thoughts.

I read over my past blogs and i don't get myself sometimes. I let my heart take over so fast that my emotions sometimes got out of control. But at the same time I'm a person who believes that you shouldn't think about things logically only. In every matter I believe that you should include your heart because while your mind is thinking one thing your heart will either confirm it or disagree and give you a damn good reason why. I've hurt many people. I know that. But in the end it was what was best. I knew it would hurt them but i also knew that in the end we'd both be ok. I knew that if i did what i did their lives would be better. But there were times where I was selfish. I kept a best friend for me because i relied on him for my happiness even though i knew i broke his heart many times. It was a bad thing to do but i was weak once upon a time. Now i feel like i can stand on my own two feet and I'll be ok if i fall. I've fallen a lot lately. But i keep getting up. That's all i can do. I can only get up and take another step forward until my life knocks me down again.

I've been in love and i lost it. But I'm in love again. I don't think many people are lucky enough to feel this way more than once. I know teddybear will fall in love again. There's no way he won't because he's amazing. There's a woman out there looking for you honey! As for me, I lost love because i got set up on this date. It sucked but it had to happen. And now i found someone i can love again. I'm so happy with him. We've already had fights, but we got through them. And now i cant see him for 45 days. But we'll be ok. It'll make us stronger. I know this is a forever kind of thing. The way he looks at me lets me know he feels the same way. There are obstacles in the way of us being together completely but soon enough it will all be over. Ah, love is such a grand word. It's funny actually how such a small word creates such large feelings. How seeing that one person can make your heart beat fast and slow at the same time and your breath gets caught in your throat because to you that person is the most astounding person in the world. 3 words, 8 letters, and absolutely life changing.

I went to the hospital today to pick up the father. I hate hospitals but i also find them quite interesting. Its a very positive/negative atmosphere in there. On one hand you have the whole bringing new life into the world and the recovery center where people who are getting better. On the other hand you have the ICU and the ER where people are dying or potentially might die. You have the rooms where you see people lying there just giving up waiting on the clergyman to get there so they can repent and meet their maker at the pearly white gates. At 19 I've been inside many a hospital. I've seen family members in waiting rooms praying and I've talked to wives,brothers,sisters, and daughters about their feelings while I've curiously divulged mine on my situation. There are those who tell me that "God" is watching over their loved one and its in "His" hands. Others just say its up to the doctors and what they can do. And then you have the group who have accepted there is nothing left. There is no "God" and the doctors cannot do anything else. Their loved one is going to die. All they can do is sit there and try to make their passing as loving and comfortable as possible. I personally like these people the most. They are realistic. They are not heartless bastards as they might sound, but they will not hold on to useless hope and pray to someone who may or may not exist.

It's things like this that make my choice of a career questionable. There are times where I want to switch majors and change to psychology. The idea of talking to someone and figuring out their thoughts and whats behind it, trying to help someone and making them feel better about themselves, that's what makes my brain tick. I think that helping people is the only way to live life. Whether or not they pay your good deed forward, well that's their choice. There is this movie, one of my favorites actually, called "Pay it Forward" and its a middle school kid who comes up with this idea on how to make the world a better place. His idea is to choose three people and help them however they may need help and then those three people pick their own three people and help them and so on. The end of the movie is tragic and the kid gets stabbed and dies :( but his idea was brilliant. The thing about though is that people nowadays are just too damn selfish. No one cares if you're broken down on the side of the road or if you don't have a phone to call a cab. All they think is I'm too busy. They will give themselves some sort of excuse as to why they shouldn't help. It's sad when you can only think of yourself. Don't get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with thinking of yourself , but when you only think of yourself and no one else, well that's where i think you go wrong. There are trillions of people in the world and if a person can't accept that other people matter then it will be a very lonely world for them. I am told quite often that i care too much. Sometimes that's true. I try to take care of everyone and worry about myself last in hopes that the people i take care of, my friends and family, will think about others and try to help them as well. I try to live by the pay it forward method and sometimes I wear myself out. I don't know if all my caring will pay off in the end but i know that my friends lives will be the better for the help i give and maybe my friends will be there for me when i need them. That's what matters isn't it? That you take care of your friends in hope that when you need help they'll be there for you too in the end?

Who really knows. This has been a very long blog. I didn't mean to write all of this but it's been such a long time since I've actually written my thoughts out and contemplated things. If any of you makes it to the end well congratulations and thanks for reading lol.