Im Not The Person I Used To Be

its things like this that make everything so much worse. I can't stand crying or the fact that your the one making me do it. i hate the fact that even though everything in me screams out to punch back my body refuses to respond. I hate that you make me feel so worthless, so pathetic. I wonder if this is how mom felt when she was with you, why she left in the first place. She was foolish to come back. I have nothing left in me to do this anymore. im so physically and emotionally tired of everything. Ive never had so many people telling me i didnt look well. Im sorry your sick but telling me im a "worthless piece of shit and a spiteful little bitch" is not winning my affection or sympathy idiot. i thought it was funny that you were confused when i said this is why you have noone. how hard is that to understand you moron? because you are such an asshole noone feels the need to be around you. noone feels like your worth their time, let alone their sympathy.Im tired of fighting with you...because noone is winning. you yell at me i yell at you i cry and you have no emotion. you think you are always right. welllll your not. prick.

Talking Is Overrated.

I am quiet. Its not because im sad. its not because im angry. im just quiet. im thinking of the events to come after these 6 months are up. ive accepted the situation. and moved on. im just letting people know whats going on with me.personally i think talking about it is overrated. im actually quite at peace....almost....

numb.

So many thoughts and not enough time to think about them all.

Its been a wierd month. i dont know what i want anymore. All i know is that i dont like where and who i live with. i don't like not having my license yet. i can go get it any time but my father has yet to lend me his car. Every day all i want to do is just drive. I dont know where i want to go but i want to drive. I miss having a life. I used to be out with friends all the time and when it hit sophmore year everything stopped. Now that chelseas gone my workload is doubled. its ridiculous. i think im going to die from stress. and being so tired. im always tired. whyyyy.

im happy for chelsea though. shes in a really great relationship and im really happy hes a good guy :) i need a good guy. but i dont want a relationship. i dont know anymoreee....fuckkk.

boys suck.

i

dislike you strongly.

You Annoy Me...and then some

There are so many things about you i wish i could change...like the fact that you can talk. i dont like you. you anger me to the point where i just can't take it anymore. and you are soo annoying. Stop freaking out about the littlest things...i heard you the first time you told me to wash dishes but maybe i was doing something that was a little important dont you think? Stop thinkin about yourself for one second. oh and go get a job.Honestly you annoy me to the point where i wanna shoot myself in the head and when im almost dead and gone ill take you with me.I am not a dog...do not treat me as one. you do not own me...i am not your slave...you can hit me all you want but that will not change a thing..It will only increase the feelings i have written down.

I was talking to a friend earlier and i told him i felt like i was missing something.But maybe its not what im missing...but what im lacking...im lacking my sense of freedom...i can't have any adventures cuz im never allowed out...so maybe if i get my license in april itll be the best thing to happen...i could leave. i could explore everything. maybe thats what i need...Maybe i need love that won't go wrong. Just re-reading that i feel like i know now. i feel like thats what i need. I gave up on love...but i think my friend is right when he said to keep looking.

I'm happy with the choices i've made as of late. I feel like sooner or later everything is going to be ok. I have friends that love me and I them and ill be leaving soon..so everything is looking up...i shouldn't be so negative. I mean yes i get pretty angry as you can read from the first paragraph...but i also need to see both sides of life...My sister,no matter how much we've been screaming our asses off at each other, will always be there for me...and that itself is the most amazing thing to me.

I think I'm done.I feel a little better after all of this....