Old Memories...

October 19th 2008

Ive felt better lately.Still trying to Figure my life out.But i guess its that age thing.I wish i could find the guy that will stick around. Like dont get me wrong ive had good relationships that ive completely screwed up myself but the others were completely effed up. I mean i remember dating Grant and he gave me a diamond ring and told me ill be bearing his children....and when i broke up with him he cut his hand open lol glad i got rid of him :)
School is my biggest worry. i am doing amazing in some classes and in others im just failing.i hate it.gov't is so gay i mean its cool cuz brian and blake keep me entertained but everyone else in there just annoys the fuck out of me.
Ive been getting happier in life. I am looking foward to turning 17 in april.I just wish i could do something special.itd be so cool to have a party.*hint hint* lol im just kidding but seriously its cool.
Im excited that stephen will be home soon. Ive been missing him and i think about him often.I worry about him and things havent been the same since he left.he seems to be the key to hold things together.i love the serious talks we had lol
College is worrying me. I am afraid that even USCB wont accept me for a year. thats all i need.just one year. then i can transfer to CofC. and then from there i can find out what is supposed to happen in my life.I could end up with the most amazing guy there or i could stay single lol. and maybe ill be a journalist or a psychologist or a teacher. that would be cool.
I think that kara and catie are so cute.im so happy for the both of them. they are the coolest kids ever. im sorry they have troubles and parents are buttheads and dont let C escort K onto the field. that was lame. well
there have been some troubles on me mind. like the people that i thought were my friends have traded up and play nice to my face. but i guess high school does that. it turns you into a 2faced liar. stop playing ass. just say it. you hate me. IM OK! i dont need to waste my time with asses like you.you say im immature.look at you! stop playing games with me im not stupid. i have friends. it wont matter to me if i lose you. your just a blink on the radar.
ooo finally Karen got rid of mike! and today i got to bitch him out. lol it was great. i hope karen sticks with her choice this time. im so happy shes getting back to her. i missed her. oh and just becuase shes made msitakes doesnt mean you should abandon your friend. and if you do then you werent that great a friend to begin with....
i swear im a nice person lol just dont get me mad
i think that is all.If you have any comments tell me


Poem I Wrote on March 5th 2007

Thanks For being there
Even when I told you I didnt need you
Thanks for knowing me
Better then my self
Thanks for picking me up
When I thought I couldnt get up anymore
When I turn around your there
And when I need a hug
Your ready to give me one
So
I guess what Im trying to say
Is thanks for loving me
When I thought noone else cared

Poem I Wrote on June 15th 2007

Screaming and Crying i see you in the corner

Mommy wont let you go
You scream"why are you doing this to me?"
and i wish i could help...but im too scared...
Im sorry but im just too scared
Mommy walks out and i walk over to you
You are alive....but barely...
Years go on and i see that same thing happen over and over again
And still i am too scared to help..Im so sorry.....I should help...but i dont wanna hurt....
I dont wanna scream and cry and feel that pain that you feel
But i never knew i would anyways
More years pass and then mommy turns to me
Mommy says" What the Hell Are you Looking at?
"I stutter,"n n n n n nothing m m mammm.."
She swings and i feel the sting on my face"THINK BEFORE YOU SPEAK YOU IDIOT!!"
"Im sorry mommy Im so sorry...it wont happen again" I say
But she keeps swinging and i am bleeding now
Why do you do this mommy?
Why do you hurt me and my sister?
We did nothing to hurt you
But then i smell that smell and i understand...mommy is drunk
Another year passes and i am tougher i now understand the world better
But mommy has not changed.
She still comes home drunk and she still beats me and my sister..tonight it is my turn
But i will NOT sit there and take this
Not anymore...I am not scared of you mommy and i will fight back
You run at me and raise your hand. I see the swing and duck..
A look of disbelief on your face"Why you little whore!" You scream at me..
But your words are nothing to me anymore
They stopped stinging awhile ago...Just like your hits
I push you into the wall....and say "please stop mom...mommy....I dont want to hurt you.."
But you just laugh and run at me.You swing and i feel a punch hit my eye
I fall but get right back up
Im tired of this
The abuse..This Life...YOU!
Years pass on and your not drunk anymore
Youve evolved into the mother i knew you could be...
But the emotional scars will never go away
Those are a reminder
Those are what I'll never be
I love you Mom