Heated

I hold myself very well. No one will see me angry ever. Unless you strive to make me so. I can't handle someone getting closer to me. Getting in my face will give me flashes of memory. Memories of beatings that set me off. Doing that is beyond detrimental to your health. I may be a skinny mother fucker who looks like she couldn't do shit but you get me going and i swear to god i will end your pitiful motherfucking life. I contain my anger well. But that container can only handle so much. I may come and hang out and have a smile and a strong personality that may be too much for you. but that strong personality covers up everything. It holds the sadness and anger and depression inside. Keeps it away. At night i let it all flow through me.....i feel the emotions of the day. accept them. let them go. but too much emotion at one time will get to me. will make me burst. not something i do often. but when i do i turn into the monster i try so hard to hide. its someone i don't like. its someone i never want to be....and it makes my distaste for my father even stronger. Dad this is your creation. Is this what you wanted? a monster of a daughter who will fuck someone up at the drop of a dime? I'll keep fighting it....i'll make it die.....it won't exist much longer...i can promise you that.

when days end like this,

I wish it was me in the car accident.

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Simple Thoughts.

I read over my past blogs and i don't get myself sometimes. I let my heart take over so fast that my emotions sometimes got out of control. But at the same time I'm a person who believes that you shouldn't think about things logically only. In every matter I believe that you should include your heart because while your mind is thinking one thing your heart will either confirm it or disagree and give you a damn good reason why. I've hurt many people. I know that. But in the end it was what was best. I knew it would hurt them but i also knew that in the end we'd both be ok. I knew that if i did what i did their lives would be better. But there were times where I was selfish. I kept a best friend for me because i relied on him for my happiness even though i knew i broke his heart many times. It was a bad thing to do but i was weak once upon a time. Now i feel like i can stand on my own two feet and I'll be ok if i fall. I've fallen a lot lately. But i keep getting up. That's all i can do. I can only get up and take another step forward until my life knocks me down again.

I've been in love and i lost it. But I'm in love again. I don't think many people are lucky enough to feel this way more than once. I know teddybear will fall in love again. There's no way he won't because he's amazing. There's a woman out there looking for you honey! As for me, I lost love because i got set up on this date. It sucked but it had to happen. And now i found someone i can love again. I'm so happy with him. We've already had fights, but we got through them. And now i cant see him for 45 days. But we'll be ok. It'll make us stronger. I know this is a forever kind of thing. The way he looks at me lets me know he feels the same way. There are obstacles in the way of us being together completely but soon enough it will all be over. Ah, love is such a grand word. It's funny actually how such a small word creates such large feelings. How seeing that one person can make your heart beat fast and slow at the same time and your breath gets caught in your throat because to you that person is the most astounding person in the world. 3 words, 8 letters, and absolutely life changing.

I went to the hospital today to pick up the father. I hate hospitals but i also find them quite interesting. Its a very positive/negative atmosphere in there. On one hand you have the whole bringing new life into the world and the recovery center where people who are getting better. On the other hand you have the ICU and the ER where people are dying or potentially might die. You have the rooms where you see people lying there just giving up waiting on the clergyman to get there so they can repent and meet their maker at the pearly white gates. At 19 I've been inside many a hospital. I've seen family members in waiting rooms praying and I've talked to wives,brothers,sisters, and daughters about their feelings while I've curiously divulged mine on my situation. There are those who tell me that "God" is watching over their loved one and its in "His" hands. Others just say its up to the doctors and what they can do. And then you have the group who have accepted there is nothing left. There is no "God" and the doctors cannot do anything else. Their loved one is going to die. All they can do is sit there and try to make their passing as loving and comfortable as possible. I personally like these people the most. They are realistic. They are not heartless bastards as they might sound, but they will not hold on to useless hope and pray to someone who may or may not exist.

It's things like this that make my choice of a career questionable. There are times where I want to switch majors and change to psychology. The idea of talking to someone and figuring out their thoughts and whats behind it, trying to help someone and making them feel better about themselves, that's what makes my brain tick. I think that helping people is the only way to live life. Whether or not they pay your good deed forward, well that's their choice. There is this movie, one of my favorites actually, called "Pay it Forward" and its a middle school kid who comes up with this idea on how to make the world a better place. His idea is to choose three people and help them however they may need help and then those three people pick their own three people and help them and so on. The end of the movie is tragic and the kid gets stabbed and dies :( but his idea was brilliant. The thing about though is that people nowadays are just too damn selfish. No one cares if you're broken down on the side of the road or if you don't have a phone to call a cab. All they think is I'm too busy. They will give themselves some sort of excuse as to why they shouldn't help. It's sad when you can only think of yourself. Don't get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with thinking of yourself , but when you only think of yourself and no one else, well that's where i think you go wrong. There are trillions of people in the world and if a person can't accept that other people matter then it will be a very lonely world for them. I am told quite often that i care too much. Sometimes that's true. I try to take care of everyone and worry about myself last in hopes that the people i take care of, my friends and family, will think about others and try to help them as well. I try to live by the pay it forward method and sometimes I wear myself out. I don't know if all my caring will pay off in the end but i know that my friends lives will be the better for the help i give and maybe my friends will be there for me when i need them. That's what matters isn't it? That you take care of your friends in hope that when you need help they'll be there for you too in the end?

Who really knows. This has been a very long blog. I didn't mean to write all of this but it's been such a long time since I've actually written my thoughts out and contemplated things. If any of you makes it to the end well congratulations and thanks for reading lol.

Dear Dad,

Go fuck yourself. I'm not a piece of shit. If you consider me selfish look in the mirror.
Thanks.
Loveless,
Your daughter.

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as time moves on everything shall fade

everything is slowly coming together again. I feel like a whole person. I didn't want to start anything with this guy I mean it was a setup date so really? but he's nice and funny and clever.

I know if you read this there's a chance you'll be hurt,pissed, possibly a little irritated. but I told you that I can't fall to pieces anymore. Do I think about you daily? yes. Do I miss you and wish we could talk without weirdness? definitely.
but I'm not sure you're ready to talk, let alone think about me. I understand. I love you but it was so hard. 700 miles is a long distance to have trust. I've fucked up bad in the past so I understand your trust issues. it's okay now. I just want you to still be friends with me. losing you would suck but if it happens it happens. I just hope life is good to you.

okay so new topic. I'm 19 tomorrow. it's such a useless age. it's like the government is like haha fuck you cuz ya can't do shit! well government you can take it in the ass :) I do what I please motherfucker. I drink my drinks and whether it be legal or not idgaf! cuz after work if I can't have a rum and coke or a beer though it's not my favorite, I might shoot up the place.
yeah fuck you :)

I feel like a whole person lately. it's nice. I mean I actually want to get out of bed in the morning and do stuff. I'm happy and I'm smiling. I lost love ive gained new friends and life hasn't kicked me in the face saying haha you suck lately. I can deal with that :)

job hunting is commencing today.
if I work much longer at sake house I'll blow my brains out.
just saying.

k well that's all for now :)

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Black Star Black Star, be what you will be

it sucks. but you're right.
no more drama.
no more trust issues.
no more jealousy.

I just hope that when we're older you don't think back to me and hate me. I don't want regrets. I want you to think back and think of me how I will think of you. With love and passion even the brightest of fires die out. I love you always have always will.

Goodbye and Good Luck in life.

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you know that im a crazy bitch i do what i want when i feel like it.

I'm so sick of these confrontations. I'm sick of being called useless and a piece of shit whore. FUCK YOU! I'm one of the best fucking people i know. It may sound a little conceited but i dont give a flying fuck. Up until i graduated i sacrificed my life for your needs. "Courtney stay home and do the dishes" "Courtney your grounded because i say so" "Courtney do this Courtney do that" WELL FUCK YOU! I need to move the fuck out. I need to finish up my gen ed classes and get the fuck out as fast as possible or your gonna drag me down. You expect to get this surgery and for me to drop everything and take care of you. well the jokes on you cuz i have a fucking life. I have friends who would enjoy me hanging out and having fun, and hey if i get shitfaced wasted thats my fucking choice. I won't drive i'll crash where i am and call you in the am. Newsflash daddy:

I'm a Crazy Bitch, I do what I want when I feel like it.

All I wanna do is lose control.